


Lunatic and the Criminal

by Foodmoon



Series: Partner and Pain in the Neck [6]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010), The Sentinel
Genre: Beaches and pineapples, Fainting, Gen, M/M, Mentions of murder and kidnapping, Platonic Relationships, The Teeth, gun - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 11:34:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13589208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Foodmoon/pseuds/Foodmoon
Summary: Danny firmly believes beaches are hell.





	Lunatic and the Criminal

**Author's Note:**

> All mistakes are mine.

Danny is convinced that beaches are hell. Sure, the sand looks nice and soft, but it’s like natural glitter in that it gets _everywhere,_ especially places no one should ever want sand, it’s almost impossible to eradicate, it gets in his _teeth,_ and if one has ever tried running in dry sand, well- He’ll just say that there is a good reason picturesque walking-on-the-beach scenes tend to be snapped while a person is walking along the wave line.

Sun and water sounds awesome, and it _is,_ right up until one realizes that sun+water? Equals sun reflection+sun=massive sunburn. Sun is nice. Sunburn so bad that anything touching it makes him want to cry? Not so much. Also, the water _moves._ Sometimes it sneaks up and slaps at a perfectly innocent person who should be well out of reach and deposits sand and foam on them, not to mention seaweed, crabs, bugs and things that Danny doesn’t recognize even when he’s got a computer at hand so he can surf online to try to find the traumatizing little monsters.

Steve reassures him that they are a natural part of the ecosystem and not alien invaders from the twilight zone. _Danny’s not convinced._

But worst of all are the people. Some of them wander around in clothing that should be a felony because of the terrifying depictions of pineapples. Others mosey around acting like he should be glad to see their smug faces, talk to them, trip over them, or just generally enjoy dodging round projectiles that are _not_ soft when reaching speeds of over 40mph when they impact skin.

Lunatic shares Steve’s sadistic glee for beaches and dragging Danny to them. Or in Lunatic’s case, refusing to part with Danny while ebulliently enjoying the beach in all its hideous terror.  
  
What? Hell is a terrifying place, the beach is hell, don’t give him that look.

So Danny is taken aback when Lunatic willingly detaches himself from Danny’s neck to climb down onto Grace’s shoulders.

“Hey, buddy. You want to go with the kids this time?”

Lunatic makes a cooing chirring noise that Danny is pretty sure no monkey should be able to make, but blue alien-limpet-monkeys are obviously an exception to this, and reaches down with a middle limb to pat Charlie’s head. Okay, then.

“Okay, buddy, have fun. And you two don’t go near the water unless Kono’s right there with you, okay?”

“Yes, Danno.” Grace rolls her eyes, but she’s grinning widely because she thinks Lunatic is even greater than sliced bread.

“Yeh, ‘Anno.” Charlie mimics, batting at Lunatic’s paw/hand with a matching grin.

Kono’s around…somewhere. She’s volunteered to keep an eye on the kids for a few hours while Danny retreats to the open air market to do some shopping. It’s a lie. Kono is the _worst_ about keeping track of them, but the locals will treat them like they’re Steve’s keikis, because by now everyone knows that Danny is his registered Guide. _(So there is at least one benefit to Lunatic’s perpetual death grip on Danny’s critical air passage.)_ They won’t let the tourists kidnap them either.

And okay, Danny’s a bad father when it comes to this. But _beaches and pineapple prints._ And Kono had volunteered. No one’s going to mess with them on Kono’s watch, because they’re not insane and that girl gives Steve a run for his lunacy when she’s riled up. Even Rachel had agreed it was okay.

~

Two hours later, when Danny returns to the little slice of local hell masquerading as a beach, the kids run up to him like they have radar. Which is almost certainly Lunatic _(who looks extremely smug),_ since Kono’s nowhere in sight.

_“Danno! Danno! Thrrszismanand-”_ Grace blurts out, running her words together so much in her excitement that they’re not distinguishable.

“Whoa, Grace-face! Slow down. I can’t understand you when you talk that fast.”

She stops, holding her breath as if that will help and making her look a little bug-eyed into the bargain.

“Okay, start at the beginning, monkey. _Not you, Lunatic.”_

Grace lets out her breath all at once on a giggle. “Danno, Danno, you should have seen it! There was this man. And he had a really scary face, like he was constipated and being mean because of it. Anyways, he comes up to Charlie and me, and he has a gun! And he had it pointed at Charlie, cuz you know? And he told us we had to come with him. But he was all up close! And Lunatic stood up and put his hands on his face like this-” She demonstrates by putting her own small hands on her cheeks, making herself look like a human chipmunk. “And then he pulls out _the teeth!_ You know, how like when he’s mad at someone getting near you? And he _screams_ in the guy’s face. And the guy peed himself, Danno! And Lunatic got his gun and won’t let Charlie have it, and I told Charlie he shouldn’t keep trying to get it cuz he might kill himself. Like you always say, Danno! And the guy screamed too and ran away! _It was awesome!”_

“W’some.” Charlie echoes, looking confused and excited beside her, hair ruffled so it’s standing in loose spikes on one side and lying flat on the other.

Danny is pretty sure that he looks constipated too, or possibly like he’s going to faint. (Fainting seems like a reasonable reaction.) Because _Grace is not making this up!_ Lunatic, if anything, looks smugger as he waves his tail over his head so Danny can see the lethal, black gun in its grip. He bites his tongue so hard he draws blood to avoid swearing, because Charlie picks up _everything,_ and then Rachel will kill him. _(And not for the much more justified crime of letting his kids almost be kidnapped by some criminal madman who obviously decided that Danny’s kids were the way to get to Danny or maybe Steve, and-)_

He really wants to puke. _His kids could’ve died_ if Lunatic hadn’t been uncharacteristically along! Puking is obviously an underreaction. And doing so will just worry the kids. He’d rather them be _excited_ than frightened out of their wits. And-  
  
Lunatic disrupts his frantic thoughts by launching himself off Grace and scurrying up Danny’s shirt to wrap himself in his accustomed place, firmly around Danny’s throat. It should make it harder to breathe, but oddly it helps. Danny can freak out later. Right now he can pretend everything is fine and dandy so the kids can keep believing they had a grand adventure rather than _almost dying._

Also.

Before Rachel commits justifiable homicide and _murders him for almost letting her kids be kidnapped or killed._

Danny is going to hunt down Kono and _kill her!_ Probably, maybe. At least verbally. Kono’s never watching his kids again. He’ll let Steve’s darkside mother watch them first- And whoa! Is that the sky? When did that get there?

“Danno? Are you okay?” Grace asks, looking concerned. “Should I get Kono?”

Lunatic is sitting beside him and patting his face.

He licks his lips and then croaks, “Yeah, Grace-face. Why don’t you go get Kono and tell her about the mean man while you’re at it?”

Grace squints at him with an uncertain expression. “Will you be okay without me?”

“Uh-huh. Charlie and Lunatic can take care of me.” He reassures her, even though he _most certainly is not okay._

Grace runs off and Danny embarrassingly loses track of time for a bit, because then Kono is looking down at him and asking something, then shaking her head and getting on her phone. And how does she have a phone that’s working when she was surfi- Oh, that’s his phone. How he didn’t notice her taking it is a mystery for another time.

He loses track again, because Kono is picking up Charlie where he’s had time to snuggle up against Danny and is fast asleep. And Steve is there, scooping up _Danny_ and Grace is saying something to Steve about the man with the gun, probably and-

Kono ends up driving them all home. Charlie in the stupidly expensive carseat step-Stan had purchased at Rachel’s behest, Grace in the front passenger’s seat, and Steve in the back with Danny’s head in his lap. Lunatic perches jauntily on the back of Gracey’s seat _(God only knows where the gun has gone; Steve can probably tell him later)._ Steve’s hand is shaking slightly as he strokes it repeatedly through Danny’s hair.

Rachel takes in the tale with admirable British aplomb, though Danny figures she’ll have hysterics once the kids are asleep and out of earshot. Step-Stan pales enough that for a moment Danny thinks he won’t be the only one to have a fainting spell, but manages to prop himself up against the doorframe and solemnly congratulate Grace (Charlie is still sleeping) on her adventure and Lunatic on his quick thinking.

“-and then Danno fell over and I had to get Kono and she had to get _Steve_ and-” Grace’s chatter fades off as she goes in the house and Rachel and step-Stan eye Danny with concern for the first time since they arrived.

“I will deal with _you_ later, Danny. You look worse right now than when you were half dead in the hospital. Go home. Recover or something.”

“Gee-”

“She’s right.” Step-Stan cuts into his retort. “You look bad enough that Steve should probably actually take you to a doctor.”  
  
“Sounds like a plan, Danno.” Steve nods at step-Stan and Rachel, then drags Danny back into the car.

Kono laughs a little as she realizes that Steve is going to let her drive again, then takes off like a bat out of hell. And does Lunatic even realize he’s a monkey? Because that laugh-hooting thing is creeping Danny out.

Beaches are definitely hell.

There’s no way anyone will ever convince Danny otherwise. He’ll even take _pineapples (on pizza!)_ over beaches!

**Author's Note:**

> Steve, if it's not clear, is almost as bad off about it as Danny is. He's shaking too hard to drive.
> 
> The gun got stashed in the trunk because that was the furthest away from little hands. The carseat got handed back over to Rachel. Kind of. Kono sets it down in front of her with Charlie still asleep in it.
> 
> ~~Danny probably has some permanent damage to his lungs from the sarin gas, which would (likely) mean he passes out a little easier if he gets that worked up, due to lack of oxygen.~~ Apparently this is not a likely side effect. Those who receive mild doses are likely to recover completely with treatment and a few weeks to recover, and decreased coordination and aim are common side effects to a very strong dose of sarin. That's obviously not the case for Danny, but sarin is a nerve agent and may have lingering effects on decision making skills and the nervous system. As far as long term studies go, no one seems to have an easy answer yet. 
> 
> If Danny's car doesn't have a back seat, I'm pretending it does anyway.
> 
> When Grace says Lunatic pulls out 'the teeth', she's referring to Lunatic's teeth (which Danny is convinced are far too large to fit in the little monkey's mouth, and he's not wrong), not the gunman's teeth.
> 
> I know it's rough, no need to tell me.  
> Editing comments and other comments are welcome, but please be gentle.


End file.
